The Joy of Cooking Ryan

2010.05.02 / Japan / posted by idrawgood

The hottest summer I ever spent was a winter in Japan.

Last August, I came to Japan, among other reasons, to escape Arizona's brutal summers. When I arrived in Japan, I was delighted that, although it was warm, it was nowhere near my home desert's soaring temperatures. Fall followed, and then winter slowly crept in. The initial cold of the winter was surprising, but I was ready: snow gloves, heavy coats, beanies, and even a scarf—I had to have someone show me how to properly tie it. Sad.

Getting to work by bike in the cold was certainly a pain, at times so cold that I couldn't feel my fingers, but the true pain came when I was indoors. No country on the face of the planet heats their buildings and modes of transportation more than Japan. I offer you three examples...

1. Location: Yumesaki Junior High School. Winter Inside Temperature: 94ºF.
If you've followed any of my Facebook posts, you know that the giant kerosene heater, nicknamed "Bertha," was my arch nemesis. As the newest teacher at the school, I got the shaft on the seating chart, and was placed within about 4 inches of a heater meant to heat a staff room holding well over 30 teachers. While close in proximity, Bertha and I were emotionally very separate. Every morning during the staff meeting, when I had to be present at my desk, I'd have the joy of being blasted by the equivalent of 30 blow-dryers. On more than one occasion, I touched my jacket and nearly burned my hand because the fabric of the jacket had become so hot. Please.

2. Location: "Moonlight Nagara" overnight from Nagoya to Tokyo. Inside Temperature: Hot Enough to Soak a Salary Man in His Own Sweat.
In order to avoid riding a night bus, which usually offers the legroom fit for a midget child, we opted for the night train. At first, it seemed like a good move. We had more room, comfier seats, and a few hours to attempt sleep before the bustle of Tokyo. An hour into the trip, we were dozing off and content, only to wake up shortly after drenched in sweat. It was hot...the kind of hot you get after a long run in the desert. Undeterred, I headed for the space between cars to see if I could catch any sleep. While there, we saw the reason for the extreme heat be revealed: the heater thermostat had apparently broken, leaving the heater continuously running on full blast for around an hour. It happened only in our car. After a little while, a Japanese train worker was nice enough to let us switch cars to one that wasn't a sauna. See Japanese Trains.

3. Location: Nisseki Hospital. Inside Temperature: Approx. 88ºF.
So, walked into the hospital to get some dental stuff checked out. It's May 2nd. The sun is shining outside, and it's quite warm. And whaddya know...what's sitting in the waiting room mocking me? A floor heater! Apparently no one got the memo that it's May, and also quite warm out. For the love of Pete, Japan.

So, given these circumstances, I posit that at least one of following is true:

A. Japanese people are never satisfied with the temperature, and try to overcompensate with heating devices.
B. Small cave-dwelling elves have developed an evil plot that involves overheating the humans and weakening their resistance.
C. They want to cook me and eat me. All the stares I get are not because I'm a lanky, fair-haired foreigner, but because they are looking to eat me.

I'll go with C.

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